Kuch Nazme

Here are a few lines that I wrote in recent past. They're already on my instagram page, but I coun't forget to update my blog right?

So here are a few ones!

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The Counselor

It was the second day Som sat sulking. Didn’t feel like doing anything, couldn’t pay attention to anything. The images on the TV moved and he sat staring at it blankly.

In comes the counselor friend, Nick!

One look and he knew what his friend was up to!

“Oye Hero, wassup? Valentine’s hangover?”

“Hmm.” That was all the reply Som could muster.

Nick walked straight to the fridge, grabbed a beer and plopped on the couch. Taking a sip, he said, “Ditched you? Wait, let me guess! Over the phone?”

Frustrated, Som asked, “What do you want?”

“Pass me those chips. And what is this shit you are watching? Hand over the remote.”

Som, wordlessly, did as he was bid.

The search for a good show was over and Nick’s mind was free to ask.

“So tell me, did she say: ‘It won’t work’ or ‘I don’t want to hurt you anymore?’”

“You are the enlightened one! You have guessed enough already, make more guesses!”

Nick reduced the volume of the TV and said, “Listen! From one friend to another - no one will give you this knowledge for free. Experience and life have taught me all this. So take it.

“It was your first love! First love is good. Great if it is her first too. Well, that doesn’t mean it comes with a guarantee! But yeah, you can enjoy it.

"The second one though is an eye opener. You realize love is not that fairy tale you thought of, or if your first love relationship was pleasant, this second one is remote from pleasant. Again exceptions prove the rule. Some need many second ones for their sleepy eyes to open. They are the more hopeful lot. A sprinkle of water is not enough sometimes. A full pail is required.

But yeah, it is rough. Either the other person is just playing with you, or so you think. Or simply that you think this is not the love that you want.

“Third love is a myth. Don’t get me wrong, there can be third relationships. The part of you that wants to love is dying. And you don't want the guilt. You feel you are becoming more and more like your first. So you don't want that third. You don't want more people to blame you. Like you blame them. Your conscience is hurting already for having fallen for the 2nd time. For you had hopes. I’d rather say perhaps coz you were brave. But now it is different. You might be brave, I don't doubt it. But there is a side that is keeping you from tormenting someone. Like you were betrayed.

"Suddenly all of it becomes clear to you. Why your first acted the way she did. You realize that you walked in the same shoes. And you regret for what you think you did. You know how much it had hurt you and can only imagine how much it would've hurt your 2nd.

"You start to see yourself in a very negative light. You feel no one deserves you because you are getting more and more like the person you once hated. And you hate yourself for that. But that doesn't help. In no way will it ever do. You will run away from people who are attracted to you. You feel like the flame. You see the moth coming to you, but for all you know, it will be better off at a distance, feel the warmth, get some light. The closer it gets, you will burn it, and you will kill that innocent creature.”

Som interrupted, “And you speak all this with experience?”

“Oh yeah, totally! I used to be the moth. Now I am the flame!”

“You recognize the problem; please enlighten me with the solution too!”

“Only one solution! Stop the blame game. Que sera sera! Focus on other things, read, take a vacation, go out. The last thing on your mind right now should be getting in a relationship.

“Before that, I’d ask, ‘Do you know why she broke up?’”

“Yeah. She told me what made her decide. Not that I believe it but yes, she told me some stuff!”

“Ok. Try to understand her position, see if the pondering helps you believe the reason she gave, and take it - satisfactory or not. If she wants to be with you, she will be back. And don’t act foolish if she does come back! If you are with someone then, reject her offer, but be friends! Remember the days you were together and how happy you were. Crunch, crunch, crunch. But my words are not final. You can find love as frequently and easily as you get a six on a fair die! Trivia time: in archaic English, die is to have an orgasm. Anyway, talking of a fair die, actually life is both fair and unfair based on how you look at it.”

TV was the only source of voice for some time before finally Nick said, “Damn I should be a counselor!”

Goodbyes are not forever!

She was sitting in her room when she heard a squeaking sound of the brakes of a car. She went back to the pondering state.

Minutes later, she heard the doorbell ring and her mother opened it. She heard his voice. “Hi ma’am, I just wanted to meet her once. I hope you don’t mind. Is she home?”

“Yes. She is in her room.”

He walked to her room with heavy steps. As he stood there, his heart raced as it always did when she was around. For her, she did not know what she felt. On one hand she felt reluctant to open the door, on the other hand, she prayed that he would bring the door down if she didn't open it. Her hand trembled as she held the doorknob. She could hear her breathing, and also his on the other side. With some efforts, she opened the door and saw him staring into her eyes.

He stood there, mere feet away from those beautiful, unblinking eyes. He took a step closer to them. And said, “Uh… This is a bit awkward but you know I am leaving. I just wanted to hug you before I did.” She opened her arms to receive him. After what seemed like eternity, they separated. She would not say a word. He took the hint and said, “I’ll take your leave now. Stay blessed!” She walked to him to the door. Her mom said, “You are leaving? Wait for lunch at least.”

He replied, “Actually, I am in a hurry. I have double parked too. Maybe some other time.” He knew there was no other time. He looked at her for one last time and walked away.

She saw him walk away. She said to him, “I know that!” He looked back and smiled. And went on.

As she closed the door, she sat on the couch staring into emptiness. Her mother broke the silence. “I had warned you. I had told you this would happen. This path would not take you far. It wasn't long before you realized it.” She replied, “You know it very clearly Amma. I could hear only what I wanted to.” Her mom argued, “Yes. And I always said that your paths intersected but they were never parallel.”

“Can we not talk about this? You are patronizing me.”

“As you say. You take some rest. I will call you when lunch is ready.”

He sat in his car and looked back at the window where she would stand. The time he saw her felt like a Sunday afternoon. He could cherish it only over the rest of the day & perhaps sleep over it. But he'd have to get up early the next Monday morning. As if shaken to wake up after a good dream.

He looked ahead of him and started to go farther. He looked in the mirror. Some things in life were best for you when seen in the rear-view mirror.

Forever

“My lord, we need to abandon the citadel. We are outnumbered.”

“No! I must stand. Leave if you all wish to. Gather more men and come back. Come back to help me save this place.”

“But my lord it is not an intelligent option. We cannot fight without a king. We need you.”

“No Gallus. I cannot leave the love of my father when it needs me. I promised my father that I will protect her forever, I cannot see it fall.”

Gallus knew the Emperor was blinded by the darkness of fear. He had stood alongside the Emperor since the day he was enthroned. Never had he seen those eyes so dark.

He remembered the day the Emperor was standing beside his father on this death bed. He could still see the fire he saw in the dying man’s eyes. His last words were etched on the Emperor’s mind. “Son, your father has worked his life to build this city. Take good care of it. Promise me, that you will safeguard it with your life!”

The Emperor, looking at the burning pyre, took an oath. He would protect the city forever.

Gallus remembered this as if it was yesterday.

His Emperor would not budge. He was known in the land as a man of his words. And he would rather die keeping his oath. But his oath was to protect the city forever.

FOREVER. It might’ve seemed impossible for Gallus, men are mere mortals. But for the Emperor, there was still hope. His gaze travelled east, where he saw the golden banner of the rearing horse against the darkening sky.

His men were arriving, for his aid. To help him keep his promise. He would safeguard the citadel, forever!

Forever. Yes…

Ere the tree falls...

Thou wist thy heart beats hard,

Thou canst feel it race,

Thou canst feel it against thy chest.

All it doeth is take away thy sleep,

And the open, teary eyes showeth nightmares.

                         

It might've been thy truest part,

It might've been thy life.

It might be thy history.

But it is not thy destiny.

Ere the set of sun,

Ere all changeth to memories,

Where the place, whither we meet,

There nigh the tree that hath now been hewn!

Freedom to be!

“What took you so long?", he asked. "I've been expecting your call for half hour now. You know how impatient I become when I don’t hear your voice at 8 every night!”

“I was out with my college friends so couldn't call then. I just reached home and the first thing I did, even before changing is I called you. And you still would say that I won’t give you enough time.”, she replied.

“Who were you with?”

“You know, just the regular group! Chirag, Danny, Amu, Adira and all.”

“Oh so you forgot to call your boyfriend because you were too busy with that Danny! If it is him with whom you feel comfortable and cozy, why don’t you say that to me? Why hide it?”

“I think you are taking this way too far! How many times have I told you that it is not the way you think? He’s just a good friend that’s it! Don’t attach any other tag to it.”

“OK you must not be having anything in your mind but I just know that it’s not the same from his side.”

“Please don’t say such stuff. And anyways it’s got to be equally reciprocated from my side. And I can promise you that it is not the case. What should I do to assure you of that?”

“Don’t talk to him henceforth. That is what would make me believe you!”

She was no more in a state to negotiate. She had no strength to argue on the same topic which was the reason of the rift since the last happy days she remembered. She couldn’t recollect for how long this had been going on. It felt like all the happiness of the day has sublimated without leaving any trace. She was tired; of ‘untagging’ herself off friends’ pics, of getting her ‘status updates’ censored.

She hung up the phone and switched it off.

She pondered over the situation for she didn't know how long. She’d read these words and they kept reverberating in her mind:

One doesn’t place any restrictions on other to protect or to help someone.  If we act that way, we are perceiving the other as a simple object, and we are seeing ourselves as wise and generous persons. This has nothing to do with love.
Also one doesn't love in order to do what is good or to help or to protect someone. Same situation again.

She couldn’t find reason why she held on to it. She remembered the days when they co-existed happily. The day when she expected the reply- ‘The Magic Moment’- that instant when a ‘yes’ or a ‘no’ can change one’s life forever. She now felt that her life had changed indeed.

She wanted to be free again, be out of the bounds, have the freedom to be!
But something held her, she knew not what!

PART and parcel!!!

“I can’t take it anymore. I can’t let him go.”, she thought.

Never had there been a day that they didn’t meet, since the day he first held her hand. To be away from him for 6 months was a Herculean task. No! For her it was not just 6 months. It was 180 days, 4320 hours, 259200 minutes, 15552000 seconds and still many more countless, priceless moments.

She recalled their last meet. It was just yesterday that he sat with her on the same stairs where the shared the moments which would make the days to come bearable.

He tried to console her, “It’s just a few days dear! And anyways, Bangalore isn’t that far too!”

She just wore the sullen face.

“It’s not that I’ll be going away forever! I’ll try to be placed here again after the training! Then won’t you be the happiest person? Huh?”

She just nodded.

He saw tears forming in her eyes. Wiping them even before they rolled out, he said, “How many times have I told you that they’re precious? Even more than mermaid tears!”

It worked. She chuckled between the sobs. Now she looked into his eyes and said, “And you’ll be calling everyday! So I’ll just miss your physical presence! For your voice , I’ll have and I’ll have you around me all the time!”

“Exactly!”

They both had a hearty laugh over the clichéd lines!

His train was set to leave. She wiped off her tears and her lips now sported the beautiful smile. She wanted him to capture a smiling face of hers as he left. He didn’t say a word, he couldn’t! With a firm grip over her hands, he looked into her eyes. Those were the eyes! With a kiss on her forehead, he took a last dip in those intoxicating eyes. Smiled!

She relived that touch of his lips! The care she saw in his eyes and then the smile on his lips. She knew it was not easy, but it was just a matter of time. A ring on her cell phone brought her back to the present. With a vision blurred by tears, she read, ‘Meera calling’. She answered it.

A crying Meera responded, “How are you coping with the feeling? You know Raj is leaving on Monday! I don’t know when I’ll meet him next. LA is not even in the same time zone that we can talk regularly! I think of it all the time, but I don’t dare talk to him about it and upset him......”

She could barely control the laugh. Paolo once again was right, as he says in ‘By the river Piedra...’-

All love stories are the same!!!

Diem Perdidi???

Lying down on the ground, back wet with dew,
Staring at the full moon, its aura so blue.

Things of yesterday, I don't think of you!
And of tomorrow, I have no déjà vu.

Mind is so clear, nothing occupies it;
Like a supersonic craft, but no one flies it.

Potentials it has, to soar like a lark,
Burn like a forest-fire, with the slightest of spark!

So much to threaten it, so much to dare,
So much to ignite it, so much to flare!

I am not a swindler, not an absconder.
I am young and have no fear!

I demand a mutiny, against the shut mouth.
Shut mouths that chant peace when there's nothing to recite about!

Let's do away with the candles, light up the torch,
And together, towards a new day, let us all march.

Everyday I get up, I want a new day; rising to sing a lore,
And at the end of it, say: Diem Perdidi*? No more. No more.....


*Diem Perdidi: (Latin) day lost.

Strawberries with cream!!!

It had been a very tiring day for him. He felt sleepy but he had to go.
He wasn't exactly into Hindustani music but he loved her, and she was to perform tonight.

The show ended with the Bhairavi and curtains fell with the applause. He got up and marched backstage. He found her getting redressed in the green room. He went behind her, held her in his embrace. She turned around after looking at him in the mirror. He kissed her on the forehead.

She asked him, "How was it? Which part did you like the most?"
He couldn't answer at once, but before he could, she caught him.
"You dozed off. Right? I knew that it was a waste of effort to call you for the show. You'll never understand the talent I've got. Perhaps you should have seen the faces of the mesmerised audience. But how would you see? You were busy dreaming!"
He interrupted her, "Why don't we go to some restaurant and talk? You must be hungry."
But she had not finished yet. "So now the sleep has made you hungry! And why do you want to take the argument before the public, at some restaurant?"
"I am not arguing, dear." He said quietly.
He was trapped again. "Yeah. I am the one who is! What d'you think? You think it's you who's keeping our marriage intact and I am responsible for it's sourness?"
"I didn't say anything even closer to that."
"You know what your problem is? You wont say a thing! You wont help, wont appreciate, wont even make an effort to do so!"
He remained silent. Okay, he might've dozed off, but she should've realized that he was deprieved of proper rest. The music moreover proved to soothen his mind. He now reiterated his "less" interest in classical music.
She seemed to have anticipated this reason. "Great! So that explains it all! You aren't fond of it, you wont appreciate it."
He felt the need to interrupt. "If I'd lied and said that I enjoyed it, you'd have been more angry and I know that you'd have guessed that I lied. God, I really don't understand women!"
"Women?" She snapped at him. "Which all women do you fail to understand? And what d'you think, I like to watch your dumb polo games? I dont find them exciting too. More than the game, what women wear seems to be a topic of greater interest there. But have I ever complained? I never failed to praise your game. So what if I don't like the game, I love you and I want you to be happy! But men will remain to be men!!!"

She walked off.
By the time he was jolted to reality, she'd left the room. He ran out on the road. He saw her board a cab and it drove off. He realized how biased the world was! A beautiful, young woman could get a cab without and efforts even at 11 in the night.

He walked towards the parking. Sat in the car for a second before putting in the keys. He took the car to the nearest fresh mart, went in and came out with fresh strawberries and fresh whipped cream. He had a mild smile on his lips.

Life was "Strawberries with cream". Strawberries could be sour and tangy, but the creamy moments made it worth living!!!

What am I to you???

The train started. Her long journey was going to be a test. A test for her patience and the destination would expect an answer. Yes or No.

She wanted to ponder over it, but procrastinated.

Took out her music player.

Plug. Shuffle playlist. Play.

She heard the first notes and knew it was a wrong decision. Her heart did not wish for this song to be played, but did not have the strength to change it. Perhaps this was a sign. How else was it possible that out of over 400 songs, this was being played?

The words echoed. And the wheel rotated. With the train, her mind started running.

If there is something that can travel faster than light, it is the mind. Thoughts...

"Why am I still here? What is it that keeps me tethered?

It was all the while that I knew. He always told me, "I consider you to be that someone who I want to be around me forever!"

Was it my misinterpretation?

But why am I thinking so much? I have decided that it is over. Okay it might be that I have tried to be adamant on this decision more than once, but this time I know its over and out! It'll now be Best Friends Forever. Hopefully.

Hope is all I have and have always had..."

A fellow passenger looked at her staring at him. He tried to look elsewhere but couldn't avoid looking at her. Not just because she was beautiful. Perhaps her dilemma was reflected on her face. But he'd have admitted that there could not be a girl as good as she was, even with the blank face, he could peep in her eyes which lead to an abyss. The reason of the worried face lied in there, at the bottom, but the depth was unfathomable. He couldn't let his gaze shift.

As Paulo Coelho says, 'Waiting is painful. Forgetting is painful. But not knowing which to do is the worse kind of suffering.'

She'd waited. Now she wanted to forget. But she always found her in the third case- dilemma.

Hardly any other thing can bring up both extremes at the same time like love. It could be the source of immense pleasure or acute pain. Reciprocation makes lover the luckiest man in the world while non-reciprocated love could be source of all miseries.

Despite all this, defining love could be a challenging task. It is not necessary that the love to be real has to be reciprocated. It is mostly one way traffic. True lover excels in giving not taking. True love does not ask for returns. Or at least this is what she'd heard.

"But it was me who always held on. To cite his words: 'Don't take our friendship to the next level. All it'd do is complicate the situation. And that is something which I don’t want to happen. From my experience, I tell you, that the relation we share now is not going to be the same once it reaches the next level.'

"Perhaps he was right all the time. I was so blind that I was deaf. Yes it has always been me who took it the wrong way."

The song was dying with the coda.

Replay: Norah Jones- What am I to you....

What am I to you?
Tell me darlin' true.
To me you are the sea,
Vast as you can be
And deep the shade of blue!!!

When you're feeling low,
To whom else do you go?
See I cry if you hurt,
I'd give you my last shirt
Because I love you so!!!

If my sky should fall,
Would you even call?
Opened up my heart,
I never want to part.
I'm giving you the ball...

I will you love when you're blue.
Tell me darlin' true,
What am I to you?
What am I to you?
What am I to you?