Kuch Nazme

Here are a few lines that I wrote in recent past. They're already on my instagram page, but I coun't forget to update my blog right?

So here are a few ones!

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My confidante - rain

Dark clouds, with the rain, bring nostalgia.

Memories buried deep, in a corner of the heart,

Hidden from everyone, concealed from ourselves too.

Somethings you have forgotten ever existed,

The rains germinate them.

With the first drops comes petrichor,

The smell, it makes you a kid.

Deep inside, you wish schools get cancelled,

Only to realize that you now attend a school called life that takes no days off.

A hot 'cutting' is the craving now.

Rain gets heavier and thoughts get denser,

Staring out of the window, you think of her.

Nothing specific, just her, and the memoirs.

Rain aggravates the thirst to find the meaning; of that something unknown.

Tea gives way to a glass of neat scotch.

There is a rain within you, something you have saved for the dry summer days.

The rain within you, and the rain outside,

When both worlds collide,

Sparks fly out of the water,

Sparks never meant to be ignited!

Rain brings the desire for solitude.

For really you want no thought,

Just you, and the solitude,

And the blank gaze at the drops falling on your palm,

Then slipping out of your hand.

Rain is a person, unlike any other weather.

He comes, he destroys, he gives life…

Your wish for solitude is in fact a wish to be alone,

With rain, who knows all your deep secrets,

Because you have confided in him!

Memoires

Reorganizing your stuff is not always a pleasant idea, but at the end when all looks sorted and nice, it gives immense satisfaction and pleases the mind. Not always though.

Yesterday was that exception. I came across the little CD she'd given when we parted. Full of songs that portrayed her feelings.

I realized I'd been staring at it a long time before I decided to play it. Loud enough that I was swaying to the jazz and swing and 60s-70s rock and pop.

All was good till it came to the ABBA song 'Hasta Mañana'. Words are like stones, they can sharpen a mind like sword and they can also shatter the heart of glass.

Luckily, the feeling lasted only for the length of the song. Perhaps because following it was the mambo number 'Sway'. And all was good and I cheered up again.

Some more songs saw my desk and wardrobe all assorted. Some songs that made me dance, some that caught me staring into emptiness. But it was done now. And the disk was to be shelved again.

If not the sorted wardrobe, then at least the fatigue makes sure you sleep well. Maybe not as well as the idiomatic 'baby's sleep'. Perhaps because babies don't have to organize their stuff. Long since my mother did it for me.

But I slept well. No dreams, no nightmares. Good sound sleep.

I had slept alone, tired. But I woke up with her thoughts. Thoughts that could disturb the whole day, make it difficult to focus on your work. They were there, there I was. And there she was, far away.

I had thought I don't care anymore, that I didn't give a damn. But the fact was that I did. And it took just a few songs to remind me of that. A few harmless, melodious tunes but lethal words.

What can I do now? I better keep that CD shelved.

Have I told lately, that I love you. Have I told you there is no one else above you. Fill my heart with gladness, take away all my sadness. Ease my troubles, that's what you do...

Perhaps not anymore. No more.

Cross my heart. Not!

At first he was skeptical. Often when she had called him urgently, her talks were intimidating and that ended up making everything awkward. Not that she was condescending but she was realistic, practical. And that was his worst fears. And so today when she said she wanted to talk, he was scared, for he knew not what new blast of reality he would have to brave.

He reached the old fort and waited. She called on his phone to know where he was and minutes later, he saw her.

He hated these moments. No actually he dreaded them. How could he hate any moments spent with her. When he saw her, she beamed a smile at him and he knew things were different today. His fear was slowly evanescing. After a brief hug, they sat at their regular bench, gazing out at the city lights starting to come up. She eventually broke the silence around the birds returning home and the sun going down.

She had come up with an idea, a thought. And she wanted to tell him about it directly, tête-à-tête. Not on a phone call, nor through texts. She said, "You know, I don't know what we are doing with our lives." These words made the ghost of his fears start to materialize again. But she continued, "When in my teens, I would chat with my friends and all of us would believe in the happily ever after story. That all things will be good. That true love was not just true and pure, but also flawless, impeccable. Like Walter White's meth." Although that drew a laugh between them, he was not sure where this was going.

She said, "I would think me and my love, we would be like parallel lines. Always together."

He interrupted, "But parallel lines never meet?"

She replied, "Yes, but they are always heading the same way. Okay, imagine that the lines are parallel but they are only a teeny tiny distance apart."

He nodded his approval waiting for a glimpse of clear skies to know where they were heading.

She continued, “But you see, as I grew up, as life started turning from rainbow to shades of grey, I realized those parallel lines don’t exist. It’s an irrational thought.

“But then, you would not want to be intersecting lines too. Along all the paths that they tread on, they meet just once, only to move further away from each other after that. I have had such an experience. Sometimes you wish things were different, sometimes you feel it was necessary. Believe me the few moments that you are closest are the best that one can have, then there is the intersection and parting forever. Here, life does not ask you questions. It is you ask those. Bombard life with questions like: why did this happen, when will this happen, why is he not with me, why did our paths cross in the first place? But are there any set of lines which you would want to be?

“I would always ponder over until this afternoon. This afternoon, I found out what it is between us. You know, we are like the Sine and Cosine waves of the same amplitude, and our wavelengths like totally match. At most times, travelling parallel, then we intersect, and after some moments of bending and mending our ways, we run parallel again. And this goes on and on… Forever…”

He did not know what to say. His confused face made her repeat, “We’re like Sine wave and Cosine wave, parallel at most times, yet intersecting at times infinite!”

He still failed to understand why he was called there to meet with this level of urgency. He did not understand her at times, at times she was a riddle. But if she was the Riddler, he was no Batman, he was just her man!

Goodbyes are not forever!

She was sitting in her room when she heard a squeaking sound of the brakes of a car. She went back to the pondering state.

Minutes later, she heard the doorbell ring and her mother opened it. She heard his voice. “Hi ma’am, I just wanted to meet her once. I hope you don’t mind. Is she home?”

“Yes. She is in her room.”

He walked to her room with heavy steps. As he stood there, his heart raced as it always did when she was around. For her, she did not know what she felt. On one hand she felt reluctant to open the door, on the other hand, she prayed that he would bring the door down if she didn't open it. Her hand trembled as she held the doorknob. She could hear her breathing, and also his on the other side. With some efforts, she opened the door and saw him staring into her eyes.

He stood there, mere feet away from those beautiful, unblinking eyes. He took a step closer to them. And said, “Uh… This is a bit awkward but you know I am leaving. I just wanted to hug you before I did.” She opened her arms to receive him. After what seemed like eternity, they separated. She would not say a word. He took the hint and said, “I’ll take your leave now. Stay blessed!” She walked to him to the door. Her mom said, “You are leaving? Wait for lunch at least.”

He replied, “Actually, I am in a hurry. I have double parked too. Maybe some other time.” He knew there was no other time. He looked at her for one last time and walked away.

She saw him walk away. She said to him, “I know that!” He looked back and smiled. And went on.

As she closed the door, she sat on the couch staring into emptiness. Her mother broke the silence. “I had warned you. I had told you this would happen. This path would not take you far. It wasn't long before you realized it.” She replied, “You know it very clearly Amma. I could hear only what I wanted to.” Her mom argued, “Yes. And I always said that your paths intersected but they were never parallel.”

“Can we not talk about this? You are patronizing me.”

“As you say. You take some rest. I will call you when lunch is ready.”

He sat in his car and looked back at the window where she would stand. The time he saw her felt like a Sunday afternoon. He could cherish it only over the rest of the day & perhaps sleep over it. But he'd have to get up early the next Monday morning. As if shaken to wake up after a good dream.

He looked ahead of him and started to go farther. He looked in the mirror. Some things in life were best for you when seen in the rear-view mirror.

Forever

“My lord, we need to abandon the citadel. We are outnumbered.”

“No! I must stand. Leave if you all wish to. Gather more men and come back. Come back to help me save this place.”

“But my lord it is not an intelligent option. We cannot fight without a king. We need you.”

“No Gallus. I cannot leave the love of my father when it needs me. I promised my father that I will protect her forever, I cannot see it fall.”

Gallus knew the Emperor was blinded by the darkness of fear. He had stood alongside the Emperor since the day he was enthroned. Never had he seen those eyes so dark.

He remembered the day the Emperor was standing beside his father on this death bed. He could still see the fire he saw in the dying man’s eyes. His last words were etched on the Emperor’s mind. “Son, your father has worked his life to build this city. Take good care of it. Promise me, that you will safeguard it with your life!”

The Emperor, looking at the burning pyre, took an oath. He would protect the city forever.

Gallus remembered this as if it was yesterday.

His Emperor would not budge. He was known in the land as a man of his words. And he would rather die keeping his oath. But his oath was to protect the city forever.

FOREVER. It might’ve seemed impossible for Gallus, men are mere mortals. But for the Emperor, there was still hope. His gaze travelled east, where he saw the golden banner of the rearing horse against the darkening sky.

His men were arriving, for his aid. To help him keep his promise. He would safeguard the citadel, forever!

Forever. Yes…

Ere the tree falls...

Thou wist thy heart beats hard,

Thou canst feel it race,

Thou canst feel it against thy chest.

All it doeth is take away thy sleep,

And the open, teary eyes showeth nightmares.

                         

It might've been thy truest part,

It might've been thy life.

It might be thy history.

But it is not thy destiny.

Ere the set of sun,

Ere all changeth to memories,

Where the place, whither we meet,

There nigh the tree that hath now been hewn!

Barcelona

It was a warm, pleasant evening. Not just the weather, but being with her always made it warm and pleasant. It was an irony of life that despite being a couple, they’d meet once every 3 months and the bliss would just last a week. He believed that this made the bond stronger. The longing to meet her was what made the 3 months worth living, and then the few days in her company would seem like heaven.

She however hated to be away from him. Her work had handicapped her. She could not go with him on his trips, nor could she resign. However much exciting it may sound, she hated his job. Being a wild life photographer was his dream and he was living in it. She wanted to be a criminal lawyer and (touch wood) she was doing great! Why couldn’t he like something which kept him with her all the time?

But both of them would leave behind everything for that one week, to be lost! Lost in a place which neither of them knew, in a place where he knew only her and she knew just him. A week on the bewitching beaches of Barcelona had been a great choice for this time.

A room overseeing La Barceloneta beach might’ve been heavy on the pocket, but sunrise over the Mediterranean with her head on his shoulder was priceless. Tomorrow’s Mediterranean sunrise would be the last one he’d be with her. They sat in the balcony as the night had begun to set in. Reliving the moments they spent together, savouring them before they parted for another 3 months!

Tomorrow's last sun would rise to bring hope!

Sunrise at La Barceloneta beach!

He kissed her on the forehead as she smiled at him. These were the times when no one needed to speak. Just look into her eyes and they conveyed the message. The moon was up already and the stars had just started to show up. He looked at his watch, 20 minutes to 10 pm, 21^st June. He looked back at her.

She saw what his eyes said. Getting up to go back to the bedroom, they just wished to live every moment of the shortest night of the year!

Life is but a dream!

“Go ahead, open it!”

“What?”

“Aren’t you going to sleep, baby?”

“Just this last paragraph and I’m done. But what did you say right now?”

“Like, when are you going to sleep?”

“No. Before that? What did you say?”

“What did I say? Did I say anything?”

“Goodness me! You don’t remember what you said seconds ago?” She cachinnated.

“Don’t ridicule me. I’m half asleep! I haven’t even opened my eyes.”

“I know. But never seen anyone blabber in their sleep!”

“Maybe I’m not blabbering. Wait! Did I say something like: ‘open it’?”

“You said, ‘Go ahead, open it.’”

“That explains it!”

“Here, look at me dear.”

“No, I don’t wanna open my eyes yet. You know, uh, I can… I can see this image in front of me: We’re at some fair; you, me and Adira. It’s some kind of a fair. We’re playing Bingo and Adi’s won something and I’m telling her to see what she’s won. So the words ‘Go ahead, open it’!”

“It seems you’re equally excited as Adi about the carnival visit tomorrow! Perhaps that’s why you’re thinking about it.”

“Well, that’s okay! I have had dreams earlier. It’s just that I usually don’t remember dreams! It’s like… I know it’s a dream. I know I’m describing it to you! I know you’re here, and you’re here for real! But I’m still in the dream!”

An awkward silence followed.

“You there?”, he inquired.

“Yes. Yes, I’m right here. Just don’t know what to say. Well, nothing’s wrong with you for sure. I’d say you better have a good sleep, ‘cause we’re going to have a tough time running after Adi at the carnival tomorrow.”

He felt a hand stroke his forehead, running through his hair. It felt good. He could sleep now.

“Daddy, wake up! It’s Saturday, you promised us. We’re going to the carnival today! Yuppieeeee!!!”
Nothing can be compared to the bliss of being woken up by your daughter jumping on your bed. He laughed as he remembered his friend's words, 'Any fool can be a father, but it takes a real man to be a Daddy!'

The day passed with more of such cheers from Adi.

The excitement had reached the pinnacle by the evening. And the drive to the carnival was chaotic as expected.

"Daddy, I want to go to the Ferris wheel!

Papa, I so want a Candy floss.

Can I play the Water gun game?"

The joy on her face was transcendent. Balloon shoot, Whac-a-mole, SkeeBall, all accrued smiles, on both her face and his.

“Papa, I want to play Bingo!”, came Adira with an electrifying smile on her face.

“Ok Adi, let’s play.” Yes it was a déjà vu!

The game went on. Caller called, “Four, Eight. Forty-eight.”

“Daddy, I got the top line across!”, jumped Adira.

The Caller summoned her and said, “We’ve got a winner for straight line across!”

Adi came down beaming with a red box in her hand.

“Go ahead, open it!”

Neha stared at him with a smile.

But all he could think of was Dan Wilcox' words:

I don’t care how poor a man is; if he has family, he’s rich.

It was a weird pun in saying that he was living in a dream!