Conspiracy!!!

Humpty Dumpty!

Did he fall, or was he pushed, or was it that he jumped?

Or was it, in fact, none of the above?

There has always been controversy surrounding Humpty Dumpty's famous plunge from the wall. Historical details are sketchy at best. Eyewitness accounts conflict. And even the exact location of the original wall remains uncertain.

In a famous lawsuit, two rival farmers, each claiming that the original wall stood upon their property, and each receiving a hearty annual turnover from tourists who paid to view it, sued each other. Humpty refused to substantiate either claim and the case was thrown out of court.

Conspiracy theories abound. One hinges on the matter of Humpty's real identity. According to some, he was a failed Bindass TV Reality show star called King Horseman (all these find a mention in the rhyme) who reinvented himself by taking on the exotic, foreign-sounding name of Humpty Dumpty and performing a real-life stunt, without the aid of a crash mat.

This theory was dubbed the 'Did He Fall (on purpose) Theory'.

It does not however, stand up to close scrutiny, as extensive searches through the Bindass TV archives have failed to turn up a single piece of footage, from any TV show, that involved a heavy plump stunt man.

The 'Was He Pushed? Theory' stands upon even shakier ground. It encorporated a number of co-related sub-theories, listed below:

• Sub-theory 1: He was pushed by: (a) a jealous lover; (b) a miffed business associate; (c) a rival, in love or in business; or (d) an assassin hires by any of the above. But he survived the fall.
• Sub-theory 2: He did not survive the fall. In this theory, he actually died and was replaced by a lookalike.
• Sub-theory 3: He did survive the fall, but was replaced by a lookalike anyway and went into seclusion somewhere. He was anyway earning a lot from the royalty he received since the rhyme was created.

The 'Did He Jump? Theory' puts forward the failed suicide hypothesis. It hints at depression brought on by Humpty's obvious eating disorder and draws support from the interview he once gave on 'The Oprah Winfrey Show' on which Humpty spoke at length about his weight problem.

Critics of this particular theory state that Humpty's appearance on the show was nothing more than a cynical marketing exercise to promote his latest book, The H Plan Diet.


Yet another theory has it that there was more than one Humpty Dumpty, but no wall involved: one Humpty fell from the side of a grassy knoll and other from the window of a godown.
This is known as 'The Particularly Stupid Theory' sometimes referred to as the 'Bullshit' theory.
Here endeth the theories.

Now it is your decision My Lord that we all await.




(Imspired from an idea presented in a book named "The Hollow Chocolate Bunnies of the Apocalypse" by Robert Rankin)